BEFORE THE SPOILER
It was Sunday August 23th, 2014 as Ivy aka ALL ABOARD THE ROMO TRAIN had his wife drive him from to Tulsa, OK from Oklahoma City, OK. He doesn’t drive, which is a story for another night. This date was not only Ivy’s birthday but Lemon Party’s (league name) draft night. They spent the 2 hour drive discussing post draft birthday dinner plans, gambling arguments, getting fat and who to take with the 3rd overall pick. What Ivy was not discussing however, was the Packers preseason game being played. A game that Jordy Nelson sent fantasy drafters scrambling to their draft boards faster than the three rings of death sends Xbox owners to Microsoft customer service. The dreaded ACL tear, out for the season. Lemon Party is filled with fantasy football vets who wouldn’t dare discuss this on the group text given draft time being only a couple hours away. Ask Ivy and he will tell you the same thing every time, “marriage screwed me.” A newlywed of 35 days. After stopping off at 7/11 for his 12pk of Budweiser, he entered his home in draft mode. Draft now an hour away he freshens up on his late round game plan…
Horn sounds as the Ginger vomits out “Your team is now on the clock.” Eddie Lacy is the pick of choice and a confident one at that. Ivy’s MO is RB/RB for rounds ½, which has served him well. But this draft a top 5 WR remained on the board, shredded knee and all. The draft clock runs deep, then time freezes. “With the 22nd overall pick… JORDY NELSON.” Lemon Party begins its ruthlessness, bombarding Ivy with “thanks for the donation” texts. We don’t hear from him for 24 hours. Turns out he climbed into a whiskey bottle and canceled the birthday dinner reservation. Frankly, we were thrilled he didn’t swan dive off his roof (as he so often threatens).
LIFE AFTER JORDY
As Lemon Party played fantasy football, Ivy worked his way through the 5 stages of grieving. At some point he entered the acceptance stage and decided to clean house. Shipping his underperforming round 1 pick Eddie Lacy, along with Olsen and others. As week 6 concluded he decided his role was no longer to compete given his 0-6 record but to SPOIL.
BIRTH OF THE SPOILER
The midseason name change to THE SPOILER was the first of many important decisions made. Before MNF kickoff The Spoiler filled his vacant RB2 spot with Mike Tolbert, who’s 2 goal line TD’s gave The Spoiler his first W. The next move took place on the waiver wire, where he claimed Doug Baldwin. The Spoiler made his living by playing musical chairs from week to week, with an eye substantial value that would give Tom & Bill boners. Cooks, McFadden and Baldwin THE SPOILERS constants.
FANTASY GODS WEIGH IN
THE SPOILER heads into the final week at 5-6. Getting the W is only half the battle to spark a playoff berth. At this point, no one wants anything to do with him, why would they? The Spoiler gets the W, leaving rest up to the Fantasy Gods. Low and behold the stars aligned. The right teams lost giving THE SPOILER the nod via H2H tiebreaker. Al Michaels voice echoed throughout Lemon Party “DO YOU BELIVE IN MIRACLES?”
As you can probably guess – THE SPOILER wins the championship game. Then, again the following season.
Now he terrorizes the league daily via texts, voice recordings, social media, and even homemade videos… (see below) You can find THE SPOILER on twitter: @MarkIvy34
Keep checking in for updates on The Spoiler and the 2017 Lemon Party season.
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